Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”