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If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Bond. Trauma bond.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
This guy’s not having it 😆
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.