Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
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Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?