Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
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Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?