Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
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Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I love twitter
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.