WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
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In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
The game has officially changed 😎
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]