Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
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Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Beware of the dog..
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
#Caturday