The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
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The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Hot hot hot 🥵
how high up are we talkin’?