13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
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I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Pigeon open mic night.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
(Gaming support cat.)
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain