I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
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My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I didn’t come here to be called names
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
SPLOOT
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Birds & Planes.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.