The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
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*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour