Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
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After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords