If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
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What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.