To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?