when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
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It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
the battle rages on
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
just having fun
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.