My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
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How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME