So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
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[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
What an awful time to have common sense.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.