Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
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Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
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HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand