The police never think its as funny as you do.
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To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?