I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
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“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I wish this was real life…
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates