Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
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Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
My love language is deader than Latin
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
There is no try. There is only give up.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*