them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
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Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.