OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
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Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.