DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
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Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby