My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
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A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*