Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
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Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*