It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
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Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.