If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
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My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
The Backseat Boys
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
#damn