I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
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Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Childbirth is so beautiful
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.