Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
You Might Also Like
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Kids, do not try this at home!
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.