Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
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Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
*3.5 thank you very much.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”