GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
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I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!