1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
You Might Also Like
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”