[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
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I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!