[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
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Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Feel. He’s so soft.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”