BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
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“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow