Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
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me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.