My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
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Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
This probably isn’t good
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.