I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
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They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
This kid is going places
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.