*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
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I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
me when I see my crush
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.