I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
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i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
The second world war should have been called world war returns
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now