I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
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Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience