Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
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My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave