At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Whoa 😂
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.