I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
You Might Also Like
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.