toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
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“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
What the hell happened here.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I feel attacked.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…