I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
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What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.