When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
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Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%