“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
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People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
why would tinder want me to say this