People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
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“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I put the mess in domestic.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.